I can text with my tongue
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Randomize