you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
