just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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