My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
