Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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