If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
