Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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