I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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