Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
