my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
