do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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