We won't sleep together?
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
