At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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