he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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