I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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