Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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