You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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