i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
