I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
