This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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