She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
