Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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