she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
