She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
