Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Too much gin, very little bucket
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
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