His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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