I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
