she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
