fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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