if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
