I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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