who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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