My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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