im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
