Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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