apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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