Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
