It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
