please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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