If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
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