I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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