he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
