the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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