Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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