I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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