Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
