I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
