if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Randomize
