i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
