I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
