My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
