my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
