on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
