our cab driver is having phone sex.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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