dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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